


In which the protagonist realizes what it means to love a Makara

by TrollJegus



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cat Girl, Definitely self harm now., F/M, I was depressed when I wrote this?, Multi, Self harm??? I guess. Does his stitching count?, Self-Harm, Watson! Does his stitching count?!, ok, sadstuck???, self hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 17:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6529681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrollJegus/pseuds/TrollJegus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Makara's being paired with different people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Kurloz! No! Kurloz, please! It doesn’t have to be this way!” your name is MEULIN LEIJON, also sometimes known as the MAGE OF HEART. You are currently clinging to your MATESPRIT, who is sometimes known as KURLOZ MAKARA, who is also known as the PRINCE OF RAGE. Right now you are clinging to him because he is leaning against the wall of your shared HIVE with blood dripping from his mouth. The reason there is blood dripping from his mouth is because he has just applied surgical STITCHING to his lips, likely in retaliation against himself for what has recently happened to you.   
You think back to a few nights ago when he had a terrible NIGHTMARE. A NIGHTMARE so terrible that he cried out in the fabled VAST HONK, since you were laying on his chest during this time you became deaf. You don’t blame him, you never could, it wasn’t like he asked to have such a terrible nightmare. In fact you feel much sorrier for him than you do yourself, you have lost your hearing, while he has lost a piece of him he can never get back, his peace of mind.  
Kurloz just smiled as his blood dripped onto your sweater, shaking his head. You didn’t believe his smile, and it wasn’t just because as the MAGE OF HEART that you could see that he was truly hurting. Indeed you could be the KNIGHT OF MIND and it would be evident to you, as someone who spent so much time with him. “Kurloz, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” You tried to stop them but your tears began to seep out of your eyes. No words could explain to the troll you love that you weren’t apologizing for anything other than not being strong enough to save him from his own rage, his rage at himself for doing what he could not control.  
He shook his head, his smile long gone as he grabbed your shoulders and forced you to look into his eyes. They were desperate, searching for something. There. You saw it as clear as PORRIM MARYAM in a dark room, what exactly he was searching for. Approval. He wanted to believe that what he had done could in some way please you. He truly believed that you would want him punished for what he had done. He believed that he was deserving of that hate. With this realization you let out a choked, garbled, shriek. You didn’t need to hear it yourself, you could feel it in your very being. The tears blurred your eyes, you saw everything through an olive tent, and it was a terrible color to you.   
Kurloz hugged you as you shrieked in his chest, your claws digging into his shoulders and drawing violet blood from your matesprit. “WHY! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?! I LOVE you. LOVE. I don’t care what anyone says about you, or how much you hate yourself! I love you Kurloz, so why?! Why can’t you forgive yourself! Stop hating yourself! Please! I can’t bear to see you like this, not now, not ever! Why can’t I be the thief of rage?! Why can I only know your pain, why can’t I take it?! Why Kurloz! Tell me why… please.” You yell and sob at the same time. Mucus mixes with your words and tears as you cry into your sweet, poor, gentle kurloz’s chest. As he rubs your back you slowly calm down and wipe your tears and snot away with the sleeve of your sweater. Your eyes drift to his face. He looks at you, seriously, no hesitation in his face as your eyes drift to his right hand, which he has raised. To be able to communicate better both of you had begun learning troll sign language. Now you read as he spelled out three simple words.   
I A-M S-O-R-R-Y.  
You smile lay your head on his chest. You don’t smile, you don’t answer, but you don’t cry or dismiss his words either. And that’s a start.


	2. In which the protagonist realizes that his matesprit isn't the docile little kitten everyone thinks she is.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee almost hurts Nepeta and lashes out at the world (or at least one wall of it) and Nepeta puts her paw down.

“Get out of my way Nep!” Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA also known as the BARD OF RAGE. Right now you are trying to convince NEPETA LEIJON, also known as the ROGUE OF HEART, again known as your MATESPRIT to get out of your way so that you may kill a random fushia blooded troll, who was at your HIVE to invite you to some highblood party, who has insisted on calling Nepeta’s place on the hemospectrum filthy. It has never bothered Nepeta when people point out that she is not a high blood, however when they insult her caste it triggers something in you that you are not entirely sure you like.  
“Gamzee! It’s ok!” Nepeta held you back. It would be such a simple thing to remove her from your path, to pick her up by her neck and toss her aside. In fact, you think you will do just that. You begin to move your hands to her neck, and you wrap your fingers around her throat. The same throat that you had kissed more than a few times, she was so sensitive there. It was adorable watching her squirm whenever you kissed her anywhere besides her lips. You look at her neck now, and notice her chin is quivering. Oh no. Your eyes move up her face to her eyes. They were scared. She was afraid. Of you.   
You release her and step back, looking at your own hands, searching desperately. There’s no green on them. Your eyes dart to her neck, no bruises. She was lucky. She needed luck because her matesprit was such a thinkpan case. You needed to leave. Now. She put out her hands, she was going to try to stop you. She always did. If she got the chance she would tell you that it wasn’t your fault and that she wasn’t angry. She would believe it. She would be half wrong. So no, you wouldn’t give her that chance. Instead you jump out of the window of your HIVE.  
You hit the ground with a loud crunch. Had you been any other troll you would have died from such a fall, but you are not any other troll. You are nigh unkillable, and strong enough to contend with God tiers. You hear Nepeta calling your name, but you ignore her, and you run. You pass by several of your FRIENDS including your moirail KARKAT VANTAS also known as the KNIGHT OF BLOOD. He would also try to ask you what was wrong if he had the chance, so you don’t give him that chance, instead you keep running as fast as you can. You get scrapped by trees as you run into the forest, and you even plow down a few trees as you run. But you need to be far away from Nepeta, so that you don’t hurt her. So that she is safe. You have tried to break up with her before, tons of times, to protect her. But she would never let you go. Because as much as you wish it weren’t true, as much as you wish she could love someone that would treat her right, even you cannot deny that she loves you. If only you didn’t feel the same way.  
You have now transitioned from the FOREST to a CAVE. It was not Nepeta’s cave, because it did not have her shipping wall, but somehow it made you feel safe. And that pissed you off. Why couldn’t you just let her calm you down? Why do you have to come out to Gog knows where because of some stupid inability to control yourself? Why can’t you just overcome that inability? Why are you so weak? As these questions build in your mind you feel a surge of anger. Not at yourself, no, you aren’t a prince. You feel a surge of anger at the world, for making you into the BARD OF RAGE. And so you lash out. Like the STUPID, WORTHLESS, MISERABLE juggalo you are you let your rage control you as you punch the wall, cracks forming in the stone even as your hands leak purple blood, as your knuckles rip and your skin tears. You smile. You laugh. You don’t stop. Again, and again, never stopping you keep punching the wall and bleeding. Yes. This is you. This is what it means to be a slave, to be weak enough to let your rage control you. You don’t fight it. You’re not strong enough to fight it. You just keep punching the same spot on the wall, and somewhere, somehow your laughs turn to screams. You are suffering. You want to be free, but you cannot be, your chains are inside you, they are you. Your screams echo inside the cave and you realize that you sound utterly pathetic.   
“I love you!” You feel two small hands wrap around your waist, and you don’t need to turn around to know who it is. But you don’t stop. Your screams turn to sobs as you lose energy and collapse to your knees, your forehead against the wall as Nepeta’s head, which barely reaches past halfway up your back when you’re standing, rests against your shoulders. And you cry, you sob, and you wish. You wish you could die. You can’t kill yourself, that would destroy Nepeta, you wish you could be killed in some kind of accident, and then maybe Karkat could comfort Nepeta, and she could fall in love, and they could just be HAPPY. Oh Gog you wish that could happen.  
As you cry, Nepeta unwraps her arms from around your stomach, and instinctively you swivel around, afraid that she has left you. So hypocritical of you. But no, she has not, and a rush of relief swells inside you, and you hate yourself for that. But she did stand up. You wonder why she did. What is she doin—  
SMACK!  
You feel her hand as it crashes into your face, stinging. It didn’t really hurt, but it forces you to look up at your small matesprit, who is the epitome of pissed. Her cheeks are bright olive, and she has tears welled up in her eyes. “You stupid, infufferable, egotistical, selfish clown! Why do you keep doing this to me?! I’M NOT AFRAID OF YOU GAMZEE!” you open your mouth to speak but she drops to her knee’s, and kisses you hard, shutting you up and surprising you at once, before pulling her lips from yours. “No! I don’t care what you have to say! You are my matesprit! MINE! You don’t get to ignore how your actions make me feel! I love you, I gave you everything I am! I’m not a good girl Gamzee, I didn’t give you something and expect less in return! I want everything from you, the good, the bad, all of it, I demand it! You. Are. Mine!” She kissed you again, her hands gripping your face, and you hugged her closer, murmuring against her lips. “iT’s YoUrs. iM aLL yUoRs.”   
Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA, also known as the BARD OF RAGE, and you are not free. You are NEPETA LEIJON’S, also known as you MATESPRIT.


End file.
